Regarding Boundary Setting

2 Decisions and 4 Steps

by David Burnet, The Learning Coach, with grateful appreciation to Thomas Leonard & Coach U, for articulating and teaching me about basic boundary setting. These notes would not be possible without them.

Decisions about boundary setting:

  1. Decide what you want and don't want from/with people.  A good idea is to do this both in general, and with any person or situation that reveals that more boundaries are needed (you know you need boundaries when you are frustrated, angry, or hurt).
  2. Decide to be extremely sensitive about boundaries (enlarge your boundaries), and to be constructive about enforcing them.

Steps to enforce boundaries:

  1. Educate or inform people what they are doing.  Just inform them in a matter-of-fact way.
  2. If it continues, tell them what you want and don't want, and how you feel about that.
  3. If it continues, warn them how you will separate yourself from them &/or their negative behavior, either temporarily (while it continues), or if necessary, permanently.
  4. If it continues, distance yourself as you said you would, preferably short term, long term when necessary.

Warnings:

  1. Memorize this list, it may be all you can remember, the first few times when you are under pressure and need to enforce boundaries.  Soon, because it works so well, you'll probably learn to do this fairly automatically and well.
  2. The first few times you do this, it will be hard for people who already know you, because they aren't used to this. They may over-react.  They may also over-react because the first few times you do this you won't be as skillful as after you've practiced this.  Happened to me, and I've noticed to other people.

It can be helpful to notify people about what you are learning and doing, ahead of time, and to let them know that you won't be as skillful, at first; you may be heavy handed...but to please be patient and bear with you.  It will help you and them, too, to get along better.

Setting Boundaries

  • This is what I will do. This is what I won't do.
  • I will not take this kind of behavior anymore.
  • I'm not responsible for his (her) happiness.
  • I refuse to be manipulated.
  • I'm sorry, I wish I could help you, but I can't.
  • Why did you say that to me? Do you know how I feel when you say things like that?
  • I don't want to talk about this.
  • I want to talk about this.
  • I'm not responsible for fixing the problem.
  • I'm not responsible for making others happy.
  • He/she needs to be responsible for themselves.
  • I can make my own decisions.
  • I will let others make their own decisions.
  • I feel angry...lonely...guilty...driven...afraid.
  • I can respond calmly.
  • I can say yes.
  • I can say no.

Flack From Setting Boundaries

W e need to know how far we'll go and how far we'll allow others to go with us.  Once we understand this, we can go anywhere... - Beyond Codependency
When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people.  That's okay.  We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care.  That is not our responsibility.  We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them.  Let them have their feelings.  Let them have their reactions.  But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system.  If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no.  If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop.  That's normal.  We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care.  Not abuse, mind you.  Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled.  That's okay.  That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change.  We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention.  It doesn't deserve it.  It will die down.

From Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go"