Are you a perfectionist? Is your tendency to hold yourself to the highest standards – on everything? Is it unacceptable for you to make mistakes? Do you expect yourself, and those around you, to always be the best? Do you see mistakes as evidence of unworthiness?

While it may seem appealing to do everything perfectly, there are multiple realities that make this not only impossible, but also unhealthy. It is impossible because we are humans, not machines: we have good and bad days, and we have physical, intellectual, emotional, and social strengths and limitations. You may think of someone you know, or who you are exposed to through media, as ‘perfect’ in one arena or another. On closer inspection, this ‘perfect’ person, human like the rest of us, is comprised of a mix of abilities, and does not excel in every domain. Projecting a perception of perfection onto another person not only deprives that person of the right to be human, but also prevents you from having a genuine relationship, as there is no room for her or him to fall shy of the ideals you are requiring they achieve.

Perfectionists are vulnerable to an array of unwelcome and unhealthy consequences. Preoccupation with fear of failure and disapproval depletes a person’s energy levels. The desire to meet a standard that cannot be attained creates conditions of falling short or even failing, which in turn leads to low self-esteem. Impaired mental health, in the form of depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, may develop when a person constantly pressures him or herself to be the best. Relationship problems result when a perfectionist expects perfection from self and others, as each person proves themselves fallible. Additionally, perfectionists tend to become overly defensive when they receive negative feedback, as it indicates they are not measuring up. Productivity suffers as well, as the individual who absorbs in making things perfect may do so at the expense of getting the job done.

Ready to try to “recover” from perfectionism? There are a number of things you can do, in this effort to accept yourself (and others) as you are, a human who is, most likely, doing the best you can, better at some things than you are at others.

Try being realistic about what you can do; set reasonable goals, and observe the outcome of your performance when you meet your goals: Was there a good reason to do more/better/extra, or is it truly enough?
Develop a supportive, compassionate view of yourself, admiring your efforts, not solely focusing on outcomes. Picture how you respond to a person that you love and accept as they are, then make an effort to extend that same loving acceptance to yourself.
Perfectionism, with all of its pressure, often leads to procrastination, so set time limits on your projects and stick to them, moving on when the time is up. A “perfect” project may not be worth much if it’s too late.
Take a look at your thoughts, assessing how rational they are: perhaps you are picturing some catastrophe if you do anything imperfectly? It is likely that a catastrophic result is an exaggeration. Try calming yourself down and replacing your worry with a more realistic thought.
Do something you are not great at, and just relax into the experience. If you are restricting yourself to activities and behaviors you excel at, you are likely missing out on many of life’s opportunities and the pleasure they can bring, no matter how imperfect your skills. Consider what you might find fun, but avoid because you’re “not good at it”. Singing? Art? Sports? Dancing? Cooking? Outdoor activities? Whatever it may be, do it, and do it repeatedly, for the experience alone – not to become a star, but to have fun, to expand your universe, and to allow yourself to be fully human.

Reference

Santrock, John W. Human Adjustment: John W. Santrock. Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2006. 297 – 299. Print.

Toni Rey, LMFT

Resources

http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf